Spiritual Marriage

In a spiritual marriage, one of the most important things is building a spiritual, physical and emotional bond with someone that avoids rigidity and allows each person in the relationship to naturally evolve. 

Among the best and worst things about people is the fact that we change and grow throughout our lives. This means that the people we are today will not be exactly like the people we will become in 10 or 20 years. Part of the success of a spiritual marriage bond is that it gives us the opportunity for flexibility and allows us to change and grow together. And, together is the operative word there. If we have that flexible bond and love in the here and now, then no matter how much our lives may change, we will be able to build on and grow that love into the future. 

And, as both people share that bond with God, then the relationship itself enters into a greater dimension. The life you share together becomes more important than what I want or you want, whether I’m right or you’re right, or what percentage I or you are putting into the relationship. When the relationship enters this greater dimension in your life, it enhances and strengthens each individual’s sense of identity and self-worth as it links them together on a profound and intimate level. That is why it is called a spiritual marriage.

Building and maintaining a spiritual marriage is no easy task.

The first requirement is that both people have a sense of spiritual awareness on his or her own. That awareness doesn’t even have to be the same. But, if it is the same, that’s fine, too. Each person can understand a connection with God, in whatever way he/she may experience and come to know God. As long as each person is willing to accept and respect the other person’s spiritual awareness as genuine, then there is a basis for the spiritual connection in their life together to grow and strengthen their relationship.

The second requirement is that each person accept the other as she or he is, rather than as we would like for him or her to be. I think most people have a model in mind of what the perfect person should be like, along with some expectations about how that perfect person should behave. When we meet someone and begin to build a relationship with that person, it's easy to consciously or unconsciously start comparing and trying to remold that person into our model and its expectations. Generally, the other person will try and fit the mold and meet those expectations as well. But eventually it becomes too confining and uncomfortable, and the mold breaks. The best part of the broken mold, if there is a living relationship, is that the people in it have the opportunity to discover and really get to know each other without comparisons and expectations, maybe for the first time. In reality, discovering a real person is much more rewarding than trying to mold someone into what we think we want. It also allows both, the opportunity to rebuild and expand their relationship into one that is resilient and lasting.  

The third requirement is to be intentional about nurturing, on an ongoing basis, an awareness and love connection. But how do we nurture that connection? First and foremost, it is critically important never to take each other and the love you share for granted. It is so very easy to fall into complacency and begin believing your love and connection cannot be lost. Nothing could be further from the truth. When we let distractions, problems, anxieties, stress and self-focus begin to fill our minds and our time, then the love and connection will begin to diminish, become less and less important, and ultimately be lost in a huge mountain of things that we allow to draw our energy and attention. 

What does it take to keep that from happening?

I remember being invited to a 65th wedding anniversary party for a couple in my church. When you are the minister, you often are invited to events like that primarily to say a prayer at the meal and maybe give a blessing at the end of the evening. During the party several people made speeches and gave well wishes to the couple, and I was asked if I would like to say something as well. I decided I would like to do that, but instead of a speech I asked the couple this question. “What things would you say have been most important and are most responsible for allowing you to spend 65 years together?” Everybody in the room got very quiet and looked at me like I had lost my mind. But the couple just laughed, and the wife answered first. 

“Well,” she said, “neither of us have ever made the mistake of thinking we know each other so well that there isn’t anything new to discover about the other. He still excites me because I keep finding out things about him that I never knew.” The husband piped up and said, “Yeah, she is anything but predictable. I never know what she’s gonna say or do next.” He went on. “But that’s not the most important thing for me.”

“What is?” I asked.

He replied, “It’s my watch.” We all looked a little dumbfounded and I asked, “What do you mean?” He pulled out a big gold pocket watch from his pocket, handed it to me, and said “open it.”

I released the catch and opened the face cover and there in gold paint around the outside edge of the crystal was written, “Say Something Nice to Lillian Today”. He went on to say, “that’s the best advice I could give any married couple. Take the time to let everything else go and just be nice to each other for a while every day. That makes life worth living.”

Is it really that simple?

Did you get a little misty-eyed reading that story?  If so, you already know the answer.  And yes, I believe it really is that simple. Don’t take each other for granted. Don’t ever think you know each other so well that you don’t have to listen carefully, and try to learn something new about each other. Remember to let everything else go and just be nice to each other for a while everyday and odds are that the spiritual aspect of your marriage and the love you share will never die. And best of all, that's what makes a life together worth living.

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