Let me begin by saying that I am a white, American, male in my 70's, and in my youth, I was so hopeful and filled with enthusiasm about the changes that began with Dr. King and the civil rights movement in the 1960’s. I was young and naïve, and was anticipating that movement would usher in a new world of compassion, respect and equality where color, race and social status would be irrelevant in the way we relate to each other as human beings.
Well, we all know that world is not the one in which we live. But to be fair, we have made some very minor progress for some in our racial relationships and our sense of social equality since then. However, regardless of who we are or how we look, in our heart-of-hearts, very little has changed. If it had, the hatred, destruction, and violence that has and continues to occur throughout our world now, would not be happening. A sense of anger, fear, hopelessness, and pain seems to pervade every corner of our world, bring with it violence, suffering, sorrow, and destruction. But it is neither fair or helpful simply to point the problem without offering at least a glimmer of hope for something better than what we experience now.
I remember in 1988, during the height of the world outrage against Apartheid in South Africa, hearing Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak at a program I attended here in the USA. He said that the reason we as human beings cannot seem to heal very many of the injustices and cruelties in our world, is that we only want to treat the symptoms and not the problems. He said that simply changing the symptoms of how blacks and whites govern the nation of South Africa would not cure the racism, anger, and hatred that is at the root of the problem. He said that South Africa might change laws, restructure the racial makeup of the government and even improve the economy for everyone in the country. But the only cure for apartheid and the racial divide in South Africa would be a fundamental change of attitude and a change of heart in both blacks and whites.
He might as well have been talking about us, both then and now. I agree with Bishop Tutu that what we need is a fundamental change of attitude and a change of heart in all the people of this world, no matter who or what we are. We need to find a way to connect as people that goes beyond the way we define ourselves and we define each other. We need to stop just rearranging the room of our lives and our relationships with each other with the same old racist and divisive furniture. We must find a way to change and connect our hearts so that we can break this vicious cycle of hatred, fear, anger and disrespect that has gone on for far too long.
So, what do we do? How do we fix it? Do we even want to fix it, or do we just want to shake our heads in confusion, wait until everything calms down, and go back to the world the way it was before all of this happened? My friends, I am convinced there is no going back to life the way it was before this time. This time things must change for the better. This time we have to do more than enact new laws, design new programs, retrain our police or develop new philosophies. This time we have to get personal, let go of our preconceived ideas, give up our sense of superiority or our sense of inferiority, actually talk to and get to know and begin to understand each other, at least a little, and change everything about how we have been thinking and relating to each other.
Well, from my vantage point, I know there must be a way, and I know of at least one approach that really could make the kind of change I am talking about possible. I learned this concept from some of the most brilliant experts in relational communication in the world. I have seen it in practice and know what kind of positive results it can produce. It is called the WAM – WAY dichotomy.
This group of relational communication experts that I mentioned was a class of Kindergarten students and their teacher in the early 1990’s. Before you stop reading, bear with me a little bit longer and let me explain. One thing about 5-year-olds is that relationships and communication are of utmost importance to them and they spend a great deal more time and energy on both than adults ever thought of doing. They can have significant disagreements, arguments, and even physical altercations and then resolve them and move back into positive and comfortable interaction in a matter of moments.
Why? I am convinced it is because of the WAM – WAY dichotomy. WAM-WAY is a concept that I first saw in this classroom when the teacher stopped a student who was being unkind to another and asked the offending student whether what she was doing was a WAM or a WAY attitude in relating to her classmate. The offending student looked sheepish and responded that she was WAMing not WAYing. The teacher then asked her what she should do at this point. She walked up to the student to whom she had been unkind and apologized and then the two of them held hands and went off to play on the other side of the room. There was no long, protracted blaming or need for justice. The restoration of relationship between the two was more important than the infraction.
How WAM-WAY works is that WAM is an acronym for What About Me and WAY is an acronym for What About You. So, WAM-WAY requires that each decision and action that one chooses be considered in the context of What About Me (self-centeredness) or What About You (other-centeredness). My hypothesis is that WAM-WAY could work just as well for adults, especially in our attempts to overcome racism, hatred, fear, anger and disrespect. Imagine considering how our decisions and actions might affect others before considering how it would benefit us, and then deciding what to do on the basis of what would be best for all. Imagine a world where WAYing was the prevailing wisdom and motivator for the vast majority of the people. Imagine what could have happened on May 25th if the police officers and George Floyd had all understood WAYing as the fundamental approach to life and relationship. Imagine what conversation and positive interactions could have prevailed, if instead of protest and destruction, people had been able to ask What About You and had been encouraged to devise ways to build better relationships on both sides.
I do understand that this does sound a bit like pie-in-the-sky. I do understand that it is foreign to almost everything we know and practice in our relationships with people in our world. And I know that making a shift like this would be a monumental and almost overwhelming task that would take a very long time to accomplish. On our best days we would not be able to maintain WAYing consistently. We would fall into WAMing often. But even so, if we could even make WAYing the goal for our relationships with all people, think about what better and more positive lives we might live.
Is it worth a try? I think so.
What About You?